James McNatton

Amazingly, my parents have failed to sign me up for the gym despite my constant nagging. I guess I'll have to just nag more. I felt that it was necessary to write a blog anyway today, since I just experienced my first day as a sophomore. My first two classes, which are Chemistry honors and Algebra 2 honors, both have optional homework. I'm going to do it as much as possible, but it's good if I ever am stressed out. I'm going to join the Health Occupations Students of America (which I will refer to as HOSA), and I'm probably going to try and be an officer in it. If I do get to be an officer, it will give me good leadership experience for the Marines. My first day wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either. My girlfriend and I don't have any classes or lunch together this semester, but I'm not going to let that get in between us. I was able to spend some time with her two days ago, which was amazing. I can't get over how great she is. We went to the pool for a while with my family, then came back to my house and watched some television. She's going to sing for me tonight over the phone, which I'm excited about.

Not much else has happened. I'm probably going to try and start running or something on my own, since my parents won't sign me up for the gym for some reason. Anyway, that's all for now.

I finally broke the news about the Marines to my dad. I was expecting him to tell me that he was completely against it and that he definitely didn't want me to be in the military. Instead, much to my surprise, he said that he would do his best to support me. He said that he felt that I am "too brilliant to be in the military." He said I would do more good in being a doctor or something like that. Being any of those things would take away from several of the things that are appealing about the Marines. There's a sense of brotherhood, and being an officer in the Marine Corps is something very few people can accomplish. I want to be a part of that brotherhood. I want to accomplish something few people can. The most important thing is that I want to be a part of something bigger than myself, and that's something you can really only do in the military. I'm going to start posting my journey building up to being a Marine on this blog as well. I'll start posting things like how much stuff I do at the gym and how far I run and such. You probably won't care too much about it, but it's mostly so I can keep track of my progress.

I am currently looking into what it would take to get into the Naval Academy. I'm pretty much on track except for extra-curricular activities. I need to start doing stuff that will give me more leadership experience, but I have the grades so far. I just need to keep working hard and I should have a good chance of getting in. I also need to work really hard at getting in shape, which is why I'm joining the gym.

I recently signed up for Design Team. It's the one place where everyone is really cool and hangs out and still somehow manages to get work done. It's pretty fun just chilling with everyone and there's a feeling of accomplishment that you get from putting together a play in the way we do and watching it turn out so well. We're doing Dracula this time, so it should be amazing.

That's pretty much it for now. My girlfriend is sick, and I'm pretty worried about her. I really hope she's okay right now. I think she's asleep though. She will hopefully be better by the 22nd so she can come to a baseball game with my family, if she wants to come of course. I'll post again in a few days after my first trip to the gym.

Fighting, yelling, hatred, decisions, a one month anniversary, and a vacation. All of these things are going on today. So much of my life is just a big mess right now. I have so many things I need to say, but there's just not a way to say them right now. I'll try my best.

First of all, I've made what could be one of the biggest decisions of my life, and no one else will change my mind about it. I might change my mind later, but no one else can, if that makes sense. I've decided to be a Marine. The only problem is, my parents aren't going to be happy about it.  I want to pilot either a V-22 Osprey or a helicopter, or else be a rifleman. I have a lot to change about my lifestyle in the next few months, but it'll be worth it. I have to start running, probably lift some weights, eat healthy, and learn to take orders better. It'll be worth it in the end.

My vacation is not going well. There's not a lot to do, and my parents are both constantly yelling at me and my siblings. There's more stress on our vacations then there are at home. It doesn't make sense. It's supposed to be relaxing on vacation, but it's not for my family. I'm glad I got the chance to go on a trip with my friends and get a short escape from the stress.

Today is my girlfriend's and my one month anniversary. I'm really glad that I found her and that she listens and understands most of the things I deal with. She shows me that there is still someone out there who supports me no matter what I do. She even supports my decision on being a Marine, which means a lot to me, especially since I knows she doesn't want me to do it because of the risk.

There's not really any way for me to say anything else running through my head right now. I've been sitting at my computer for the past hour or so thinking, and nothing really feels like the right thing to say.

The last week has been so much fun. I went to the beach with one of my close friends and we did all kinds of things. We hung out on the beach (of course), swam in the pool, hung around the beach house and talked, watched some movies and television, and made some new friends. I met this girl named Christen who's really cool and nice. I got to see some turtles hatching, which was an awesome and rare experience. I also got to do one other thing which made the trip absolutely amazing. I got to go and walk around in a V-22 Osprey at a Marine Corps. base. The V-22 is a plane-helicopter hybrid. After that, the marine who was showing us around the place let us try on some pilot gear. After we left, I thought about it for a while and I am considering joining the Marines and becoming a pilot. I've always wanted to fly a fighter jet or a helicopter, even a transport plane would be fine. I really hope I have an opportunity to fly an Osprey someday, if I do join the Marines.

My girlfriend is coming over tonight. I really miss her right now, since I haven't seen her in two weeks. I can't wait to see her smiling face again tonight. I'm leaving for another week-long vacation to the mountains with my family, and hopefully it will be pretty fun as well.

I don't have much to write at the moment, since I am still processing a lot in my mind and I don't feel like typing it until I've come to decisions on them. I wrote this poem several weeks ago, and it's fairly short, but I'm going to post it anyway.

Clutter is simply
A way of showing that
Love always comes in a small package.

My mom and I got into yet another fight today as well as yesterday. It's like I'm some form of stress relief to her. I'm a human being with feelings, not some tool for her to take everything out on. I've come very close to leaving for a day or two, just out on my own walking around. I'm tired of her pushing me around like I don't matter. She doesn't respect me, and she wonders why I disrespect her more and more. I don't respect people who don't respect me, that's just how it is. The only reason I'm still even in this house is so that she doesn't take it out on my brothers and sisters.

I'm planning on just going out with the money I have and chilling out at some places tomorrow. I need to get away from this place, it's driving me crazy. I don't even think my family cares anymore, except for maybe my dad. He's really the only one that even shows that he at least respects me as a human being. To everyone else, I'm just a tool in one way or another. To my youngest brother, the only thing I'm good for is helping him do stuff he can't do himself. I really don't like where my life is going.

I went to see the Harry Potter movie with a few of my friends, and I personally didn't care too much for it. They skipped a huge fight at the end, and I think that part would have been very good to watch. They changed too much about it, and they cut quite a bit out. I think they could have done quite a bit more with the movie as a whole.

My girlfriend called me a few minutes ago, and she was really sad. She feels like she disappointed her grandfather, and she's worried about him. I know what it's like to feel like you've disappointed someone. I feel like it every day, actually. I'm just a big disappointment to my mom and probably to my dad. I don't know what people want from me anymore. I don't think my girlfriend is a disappointment in any way. She's smart, pretty, and really nice. She's my best friend, my girlfriend, and I hope nothing will ever change that.

This is something I typed up for a contest on a different website, and I got a few good comments, so I figured I would put it up on here.
Hope you like it.

I smiled and waved as you walked by.
You smiled back and kindly said "Hi."
I was trapped by those eyes.
I was amazed at the beauty of them,
And I felt like I didn't deserve
To be blessed with seeing them.

I saw you the next day, and I said
"Hi, my name is Ben. What's yours?"
You looked at me with those eyes,
Those beautiful, shining green eyes,
And you said "My name is Modesty."

I looked at you as you walked by,
Wondering if you ever thought about me.
I knew, with complete certainty, that
You never even spared a thought.
I, honestly, can't think of a time
Where you weren't on my mind.

I ran to catch up to you,
And shyly I asked you to be
My date to the school dance that Friday.
You looked at me with those eyes,
The eyes that hold the ocean in them,
And you said "Not even in your dreams."

Some say, "what is love?" I've come to realize over the past few days that the real question is: what isn't love? It's the most powerful bond two human beings can feel between each other. Whether it be friend-to-friend love, family love, or romantic love, very few things can break that bond. Feeling like someone cares has helped me out quite a bit the past few days. I've noticed a bit of a decline in the effects of my bipolar disorder, as well as some other positive effects. I have more energy, I'm less depressed, and I'm even able to handle tough situations better. I am starting to consider telling my parents about my blog, as well as about my poetry and my many mental problems. While I haven't ever seen a doctor about them, I figured out that I have a severe bipolar disorder, pretty bad depression, ADD, and even mild schizophrenia. I'm starting to think it might be better to tell them, but I'm worried that they will overreact.

I've started entering online poetry contests. We'll see how that goes. I entered two or three, hopefully they'll at least give me some feedback on the poem. I don't really care too much about winning, I'm just hoping that I'll at least be able to get some people to read it.

While I am doing better in most ways, my ADD has been getting worse. I randomly change to a different subject during conversation, in the middle of something important. I do it more and more often now. I take no medications for anything, so there's not really anything stopping it from getting worse. I still manage to get good grades, but I'm worried that might change if it gets too bad. I almost blew up on my mom today. She yelled at me constantly for around 2 or 3 hours, and normally I just ignore it. However, I was pretty down at that point anyway, because of my bipolar disorder, and it was really getting to me. Anyway, I just went into my room until she left me alone and I was able to relax.

Pain is a feelng
With one single purpose;
It is not to hurt you,
Or to beat you up,
It is to let you know
That you can still
Feel something at all.

Some say that God doesn't exist
Because he never intervenes,
He never gives us miracles.
In reality, he fills every day with them.
Life, love, happiness, care,
They are all miracles.
We just have to learn
how to appreciate them.

Life is unstable,
The slightest accident can end it.
We take it for granted,
But in reality, it is
The greatest gift of all.

Fire is our guide
Through the darkness,
The confusion and chaos.
We cherish it, protect it,
And guard it from the wind.
The fact is that at some point,
That fire will go out.
When it does, we are left
With two choices.
We can sit down in the dark,
drowning ourselves in misery,
Or we can stumble on blindly
Through the darkness,
Hands outstretched,
Searching for a way
To light the fire once again.

Love is a poison.
Once you have a taste,
It runs through your veins,
Warming them so well.
Your view of life changes,
Your priorities are different.
You stop caring so much
About your own well being,
Because you know now it
Won't matter too much in the end.
You want to spend the time
You still have making a person
As happy as you possibly can.
Sometimes, when we stop to think,
We realize that not all poisons are bad.

The past few days have been good. I got a new amp for my guitar, and I've spent a lot more time with my dad than I have in a while. He's been a lot nicer and more interested in what I do. My mom on the other hand has been getting more stressed out and angry. She yells at  me and my siblings all the time. What confuses me is that she says "she's doing it for us," but in the end she just yells at us and treats us badly. Then, when people outside the family do something wrong, she acts even nicer to them. She then turns around and takes our anger out on her own family. My father has told her that he won't help her run swim team next year if she decides to do it. I agree with him. She needs to stop trying to run something that makes her even more stressed out than she already is.

My dad said that he is going to take me to buy Rainbox Six Vegas 2 for Xbox tomorrow. I have been playing it with my friend at his house, and it's pretty fun. It's actually pretty challenging at some points. He also bought me $300 guitar amp, and he's been helping me out with some stuff that's been going on. I don't think he knows I'm suffering from depression yet, but it means a lot to me that he's taking interest in my life for a change. My mom has been trying, but I think her stress has made her attempts somewhat pointless. Almost every time we talk, it ends up in some sort of argument or dissagreement.
My girlfriend and I are doing good. She's been helping me through a lot of stuff, like when I get yelled at. She's also been helping me get through my depression. She may not know it, but she's actually been helping me through just about everything that's happened recently. She understands me better than anyone and she accepts me for who I am. There aren't many people who accept me, and it means a lot that she does.

Once again, pretty dark. I just feel like writing these kind of poems right now.

In you came through my door,
Tracking mud along the floor.
You carried the knife
That ended her life.
She was only seven years old
When her blood ran so cold.
You killed my daughter
In your senseless slaughter.

I found her sleeping sound,
Her blood pooled on the ground.
The sun rose and I cried,
Because of you my little girl died.
I know it was you who carried the knife.
I know it was you who ended her life.
You killed my daughter
In your senseless slaughter.

In I went through your door,
Tracking blood along the floor.
I carried the knife
That ended her life.
I smiled since I knew
It would do the same to you.
You killed my daughter,
It's my turn to slaughter.

I don't really know what made me write a poem this dark, but anyway, here it is.

It's been one day
Sine she went in the room.
The room where her father cried.
The room where her mother cried.
The room where her brother cried.
The room where her sister cried.
She told me that she misses them,
And that she misses their smiles.

It's been two days
Since she went in the room.
The room where her father sleeps.
The room where her mother sleeps.
The room where her brother sleeps.
The room where her sister sleeps.
She told me they looked peaceful
When she put them to sleep.

It's been three days
Since she went in the room.
The room where her father died,
The room where her mother died,
The room where her brother died,
The room where her sister died.
She told me she was afraid 
To see them sleeping, to see
The bloody knife lying on the table.
I hear no sounds, no movement
coming from inside that dark room.

It's been four days
Since she entered the room.
The room where her father lays.
The room where her mother lays.
The room where her brother lays.
The room where her sister lays.
She told me she wanted to be with them
And that she was sorry for what she had done.

It's been five days
Since she entered the room.
The room where her father rots.
The room where her mother rots.
The room where her brother rots.
The room where her sister rots.
She said please, handing me the knife
That she herself had used five days before,
And seeing the regret, the sorrow,
The pure, raging insanity in her eyes.
I could not resist to comply.

I realized today that I have no reason to be depressed. I just.... am. I know I'm bipolar, and I think I might be going insane, but I don't understand why. I have a great family, and while my parents may like my siblings significantly more than me, and my mom may not respect me, I realize that I have no real reason to be depressed. The depression is what has been pushing me to insanity, but there's nothing that is really causing the depression. Maybe it's just how I was born: sad, lifeless, and empty. However, I think I'm starting to get out of the depression. I've had a certain energy the past few days that I have never had before, almost as if I have a reason to want to wake up every morning. I've also decided that I'm content in general with where I've gotten myself in regards to preparation for the future. As long as this insanity doesn't interfere, I have the grades and the will to become a psychiatrist in the future. We'll see where it goes.

My best friend, my closest companion,
You stood by me through everything.
You hung on with all your might
Just because I needed your help.
Now that I'm better and stronger,
You don't have to put yourself
Through the pain and agony anymore.
Still, the hardest thing I've ever done
And almost certainly will do
Is watch them close the wooden box.

Two words, each four letters,As the sun and moon, night and day.
Love and hate are polar opposites,
Trying so hard to overpower the other
Without destroying it entirely,
For without love, what is hate?
Without hate, what is love?

Happiness fills us with power,
Sadness beating our soul.
It is possible to be truly happy,
But impossible to be completely happy,
For with sadness, what is happiness?
Without happiness, what is sadness?

Evil plagues the streets,
While good constantly fights back.
Neither side will win, nor will they lose.
Neither will settle for a tie.
They fight endlessly, trying to rid of the other.
To rid of one, you must rid of both.
For without good, what is evil?
Without evil, what is good?


Coexistence is the only way to survive.
There is no middle ground.
In the world we live in,
It's all or nothing.

People always tell you what to do when life gives you lemons.
What if life doesn't give you anything, leaving you in the dark?
There are really only two options in such a situation.
Sit there, beating yourself up in hate and self-pity,
Or get up and walk into the dark, never looking back.

I've been watching the news, reading some other blogs, reading books, and looking through other forms of media. I've come to realize that I have life so much better than some people. The pain, the hatred that is going on in our society honestly sickens me. I'm starting to think I might be going insane, and I'm incredibly worried. Unfortunately, I can't go to my parents with it. There are only two possibilities in that situation. They would either ignore it, assuming that I was just messing with them or something like that, or they would blow it completely out of proportion. While I do experience suicidal thoughts, I have no doubt that I'll be hanging around. If I wanted to kill myself, I wouldn't have the guts to do it. They would probably ship me off to some asylum, which would undoubtedly only hasten my descent into insanity. I've started seeing things, and it worries me. The neglect I've felt for a long time is finally starting to take its toll on me. I've been reading my recent entries, and I'm starting to see a pattern of slow descent into depression and worry. I've even started seeing and hearing things occasionally, which really worries me. I'm going to write on this blog every few days, so that I'll be able to look back and see either my own fall into insanity or my own recovery from whatever is bothering me.

I spent some time today with the girl that I like, and it was the best night I've had in a long time. I think it's really going to help me with my problems, knowing that she's here. She told me today that she was ready to go out with me, so she's no longer just a girl that I like. She's now my girlfriend! We just hung out and walked around, and I asked her out at 9 by the lake under the moon and the stars. It was great.

I've finally decided that, if I do end up recovering from this, I want to be a psychiatrist. I want to help people with mental problems, because mental issues are much more damaging in the long run. I've felt what depression is like, and I've seen how strange it is. To some people, my life would be amazing, and today has been in my eyes. Overall, though, to me my life has been more painful that good. Ever since my grandmother passed away because of a brain tumor caused by her addiction to cigarettes, I've had a much darker view on the world. It's strange how I'm complaining about being neglected when there are children in the world that are happy if they manage to survive all the war going on around them. I wrote a poem about it, which I'm posting at the bottom of this entry.

I've also decided to start trying to be here for support, even for people I don't know in person. With all this evil and pain going on, I feel like someone has to step up and try and do some good. That being said, I doubt many people would want my help, since they don't know me that well. I understand how hard it is to open up to people you don't know, which is the main reason I don't have a psychiatrist. Anyway, if anyone reads this who wants to talk about anything, just send me a message and I'll help any way I can.

Here's the poem I mentioned earlier:

Happiness is a mystery,
With no real definition.
To some, happiness is
Getting everything they want.
To others, happiness is
Seeing the sun rise each day.
Happiness is different to each person.
That's what makes it so hard to give.